A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?'

'Of course,' the brother replied 'Do you know what a million quid would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two prostitutes and a poof!!'

Never cheat on your woman.......

It was entertainment night at the Care Home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces..........................

'S**T!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Care Home.

The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS	SAFER	SAFEST	ULTRA SAFE
What's for dinner?	Can I help you with dinner?	Where would you like to go for dinner?	Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?	You sure look good in brown!	WOW! Look at you!	Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?	Could we be overreacting?	Here's my paycheck.	Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?	You know, there are a lot of apples left.	Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?	Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?	I hope you didn't over-do it today.	I've always loved you in that robe!	Here, have some wine.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and … Poof! ...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

SHOW THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH … AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Lenny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Lenny says, "I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Lenny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND .... You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes. In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.... The interview was as follows: The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information… but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?" The programme was never aired…..

A few little chauvinistic classics from a male friend!! :)

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------
Why is a laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-----------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-----------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

-----------------------

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-----------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-----------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-----------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.............You got nice house' :)

Yorkshire Chat up lines

1. Duz tha fart? Cos tha blows me away!


2. A thi mam n dad retarded? Cos thas special!


3. Me luv for thee is like shits. I just can't hold it in!


4. Is there a mirror in ur knickers? Cos I can see mesell in em!


5. Tha body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of thee me nuts tighten!


6. Tha might not be the best lookin bird in ere, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Two women are chatting at the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen" :)

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what?" The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right.... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history...

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. Tourist: £5.00 Broiled Missionary: £7.00 Fried Explorer: £9.00 Freshly baked: Conservatives, Liberals, Labours, BNP or Green Party: £150.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the politicians?' The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean and prepare one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

Little Becky goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Becky waves her hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Becky, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Becky says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Becky, that's a mouthful.'

Little Becky says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"

Two women are chatting at the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Billy stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Billy?"

"No, Miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Truly classic ....

This made me laugh out loud :)

Twice!!

Nicky Campbell and the Kent Hunt

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95 and Divorced Barbie for £265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this...... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...!"

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

You must read the whole sign ..... :)

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...

[Five minutes later]

"Mom..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No!"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No!"

[Five minutes later]

"Mom..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Mommm..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"