Thursday, 28 May 2009


Sunday, 24 May 2009

They all went down to Villa Park, twas the 24th of May.
Hoping God would smile on them, upon the Sabbath day.
Proud as punch in stripey shirts, cream of the Geordie nation.
Ganning along to Birmingham, to see the relegation.

Oh me lads, you should've seen them crying.
Watching the shambles on the pitch, Premier dreams a dying.
All the lads and lasses there, had the gloomy faces.
Ganning doon to the Championship, along with Shearers aces!
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's" replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible" said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Gordon Brown's clock?" asked the man.
St Peter replied "Jesus has it in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Tom had been in police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought some land in the Scottish highlands as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

''Great" said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff was leaving, he stopped. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

''Not a problem" said Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

''Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again".

''More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

''Now that's really not a problem" said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

''Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 Months holiday and five good leads' :)

Monday, 18 May 2009

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl smiled and said "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black suspender belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
Little Johnny's classmates kept taking the mickey out of him for being stupid.

They offered him either a £1 coin or a 50 pence piece

One day, after Johnny took the 50p again, his teacher took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you, don't you know that a pound is worth more than a 50p, even though the 50p is bigger?"

Johnny grins and says "Of course I fookin do, but I've made £20 out of them so far". :)

Sunday, 17 May 2009

3 men who were captured by savages were told their cocks would be removed in the manner appropriate to their job.

The first man was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off.

The second man was a butcher so his would be sliced off.

The third man started laughing and his captors asked him why.

"I work in a lollipop factory!" :)

Friday, 15 May 2009

My boyfriend and I did it doggy style for half an hour.......

...... or four minutes human time :)
A wife turns to her husband while she's getting ready to go out.

"What do you love most about me? My pretty face? My great body? My beautiful legs? My stunning smile?"

Her husband looks her up and down and replies "Your sense of humour!!"