Thursday, 27 August 2009



The Original Computer!!!!

This made me laugh out loud...



Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account


A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!


Wednesday, 26 August 2009

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it ?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£400'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little shit. You're in my cupboard now.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for YOU'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Ralphy replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

**********************************


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father.
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ralphy.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

************************************


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little Ralphy goes to school and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ralphy says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful.'

Little Ralphy says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

**********************************

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little Ralphy was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out 'Miss Jones, I need to take a pee!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Ralphy, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.'
Little Ralphy thinks for a bit and then says, 'You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

******************************************


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!'

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

********************************************************


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat.'

Little Ralphy replied 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Ralphy answered, 'No, but he minded his own f....... business!'

A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patients girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Boys!!!...












A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.


“We’ll have a new one.”


A.A.A.D.D. - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!!!!!!


[ Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it ! ]

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start towards the garage, I notice mail on the patio table that I brought in from the letter box earlier.


I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and empty the garbage first.


But then I notice I’d brought my cheque book out to the table to pay the bills, so I may as well pay them first. I grab my cheque book off the table, but see there is only one cheque left.


A new cheque book is in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk, where I find a can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, so I go to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote, which I must have left on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table.
So I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.


I pour some water into the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels to wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:

- the car isn't washed

- the bills aren't paid

- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

- the flowers don't have enough water,

- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

- I can't find the remote,

- I can't find my glasses,

- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.



Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!!!!


Tuesday, 18 August 2009






An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son & described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa.



A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried...

Love,
Vinnie.



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents & local police arrived & dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man & left.

That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Pop,

Go ahead & plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie




Please help Mr Adam Small find his wife!



Missing Wife

I am writing to ask your help in locating my missing wife.

We were on a wonderful trip to Africa for our honeymoon several months ago. On our flight back, we had a connection in England and somehow became separated.

I had her paged for several hours and then contacted local and international police to assist me in locating her. To date, all of our attempts to find her have been unsuccessful. I am now desperate to find my lost love and am trying to use the Internet to locate her.

Please forward this to everyone you know so I can spread the word on locating my missing wife.

Mr. Adam Small
Portland , Oregon , USA




After a few weeks search...


Dear Mr. Small,


We believe we have found your wife, back in Africa of all places.

It is uncertain at this time how she got here and we are not able to positively identify her as she is stricken with lockjaw and unable to talk.

We are under the impression that she does not want to leave.

We have tried for several days to bring her back home, but she is insistent on staying here.

There is no need for immediate concern as she appears to be in good hands here in this village.

Enclosed is a picture we ask you to examine for a positive identification.

Please contact us if there any questions.

Nairobi Police Dept.

Here's the picture