Friday, 28 August 2009
Thursday, 27 August 2009
The Original Computer!!!!
This made me laugh out loud...
Memory was something you lost with age
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it ?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£400'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little shit. You're in my cupboard now.'
Monday, 24 August 2009
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”
A.A.A.D.D. - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!!!!!!
[ Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it ! ]
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start towards the garage, I notice mail on the patio table that I brought in from the letter box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and empty the garbage first.
But then I notice I’d brought my cheque book out to the table to pay the bills, so I may as well pay them first. I grab my cheque book off the table, but see there is only one cheque left.
A new cheque book is in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk, where I find a can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, so I go to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote, which I must have left on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table. So I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water into the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels to wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!!!!
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son & described his predicament:
Please help Mr Adam Small find his wife!
I am writing to ask your help in locating my missing wife.
We were on a wonderful trip to Africa for our honeymoon several months ago. On our flight back, we had a connection in England and somehow became separated.
I had her paged for several hours and then contacted local and international police to assist me in locating her. To date, all of our attempts to find her have been unsuccessful. I am now desperate to find my lost love and am trying to use the Internet to locate her.
Please forward this to everyone you know so I can spread the word on locating my missing wife.
Mr. Adam Small
Portland , Oregon , USA
After a few weeks search...
Dear Mr. Small,
We believe we have found your wife, back in Africa of all places.
It is uncertain at this time how she got here and we are not able to positively identify her as she is stricken with lockjaw and unable to talk.
We are under the impression that she does not want to leave.
We have tried for several days to bring her back home, but she is insistent on staying here.
There is no need for immediate concern as she appears to be in good hands here in this village.
Enclosed is a picture we ask you to examine for a positive identification.
Please contact us if there any questions.
Nairobi Police Dept.
Here's the picture