BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome guy, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde also at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob said, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob. 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, 'I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money...!!!

A True Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

Things men want to hear

1. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't’ you be down at the bar with your friends?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You’re so sexy when you’re hungover.
8. I’d rather watch soccer and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let’s subscribe to Playboy darling.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Darling, lets go shopping so you can check out women asses.
12. I’ll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbour’s daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
15. I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No no, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favour. Forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy your friends a round of drinks.
19. I understand fully that our anniversary comes once a year, you go play soccer with the boys and I’ll watch the kids.
20. Oh come on, how about we get a good porn movie, a six pack of beer, a few joints and have my friend Tammy come over for a threesome!
21. Oh come on! Not the damn mall again!! Let’s go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don’t you retire young and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly! Now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God, if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head just for you.

A little 3 year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

His mother says, 'Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while'.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but about every 10 seconds or so he grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself, repeatedly, on top of the head with the book.

Billy says, 'I'm fine, Mommy, I just haven't 'been' yet'.

Mother says, 'Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?'

Billy says, 'Well, it works for Ketchup!!'

This is when “OH, F?$K” just won’t do...

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You stupid idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too F***kin scared to cough!"

This came from one of my friends and made me laugh.

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'

Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Children Writing About The Sea......

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
(Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)


13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).

I can't respond to any emails today,

something has crashed on my computer

And my mouse has gone missing!!

Marrige counsellor to couple.

"Tell me something both of you have in common".

Husband, after a long awkward silence:

"Well neither of us sucks cock!"

This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special offer.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager, in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks 'Madam what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special offer.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,

PINCH MY NIPPLES,

PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads 'Madam, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says 'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

A fellow and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the chap takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says,"You must be a dentist."
The bloke, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The chap, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing"

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

DO YOU NEED GLASSES?

Look carefully at the picture below.

Did you see the ass of the girl behind?

If you did then have your eyes checked :) it is the shoulder of the girl in front.

My appointment is booked for tomorrow :)

The Greatest Caption of all time

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine

And to those who don't

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other spirits) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

For an example....", the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The student's freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention".