A WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnastic nymphomaniac
with huge boobs, who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well, you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Mercedes.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up and so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first. Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the £10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila, and then do all those other things.'
'Your call,' says the bartender. 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he does it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds, then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open, there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

What gets longer when pulled,

Fits between your boobs,

Inserts neatly in a hole

AND works best when jerked?

A seatbelt!! You perv!!!

A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds! and I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her.

Apparently he's dead now,

but he died a legend!!!











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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, "his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' nobody offered me a damned thing.'

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied 'Not this time!'

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said 'You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!'

Getting a Blackberry, so I'm selling my 2 mobile phones that I don't use anymore. Interested?

1) Almost brand new Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels).

2) Slight older model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert.

I'm not sure what they are worth, so you're welcome to make an offer.

I've attached photos; let me know if you're interested.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar!'