Yorkshire Chat up lines

1. Duz tha fart? Cos tha blows me away!


2. A thi mam n dad retarded? Cos thas special!


3. Me luv for thee is like shits. I just can't hold it in!


4. Is there a mirror in ur knickers? Cos I can see mesell in em!


5. Tha body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of thee me nuts tighten!


6. Tha might not be the best lookin bird in ere, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Two women are chatting at the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen" :)

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what?" The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right.... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history...

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. Tourist: £5.00 Broiled Missionary: £7.00 Fried Explorer: £9.00 Freshly baked: Conservatives, Liberals, Labours, BNP or Green Party: £150.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the politicians?' The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean and prepare one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

Little Becky goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Becky waves her hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Becky, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Becky says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Becky, that's a mouthful.'

Little Becky says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"

Two women are chatting at the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Billy stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Billy?"

"No, Miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Truly classic ....

This made me laugh out loud :)

Twice!!

Nicky Campbell and the Kent Hunt

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95 and Divorced Barbie for £265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this...... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...!"

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

You must read the whole sign ..... :)

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...

[Five minutes later]

"Mom..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No!"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No!"

[Five minutes later]

"Mom..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Mommm..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

My husband, Jeff, and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Jeff in computer jargon, which confused us even more.

"Sir," my husband politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old."

"Okay," the computer technician replied. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.

She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

Rude but funny :)