A professor at University in Kabul was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big plump boy from Helmand replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the front podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Abdul replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said GOATS!!'

Have a smiley, funny new year with so many laughs you need some incontinence pads :) xxx

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse..

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

*****************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

******************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

*******************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

******************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.....'

***************************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either...'

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The F A A issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank!

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him. 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F***king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?!!'

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

A woman meets a guy in a posh wine bar. After having a good time in his company she decides to go back to his place. Passing his spare bedroom on the way to the loo she notices three neat rows of teddy bears on three shelves. Bottom shelf = small bears, middle shelf = medium sized bears, top shelf = huge life sized bears.

She thinks to herself "Hmm! He must be a sensitive, kind hearted sort of guy", possibly someone that she could spend the rest of her life with. After a while they start fooling around & eventually end up in bed making mad passionate love.

The next morning after little sleep she asks "How was it for you?"

"Good," he replied, "now help yourself to any teddy bear off the bottom shelf"

His funeral is a week on Tuesday!!

The Whys of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? Because they are plugged into a genius 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? They don't have enough time 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? They don't stop to ask directions 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? You need a rough draft before you make a final copy 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? Don't know.....it never happened (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And my personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..' And they say blondes are dumb... A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children 'Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no'.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5', at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley , and some parts of Pollock and most of Castlemilk.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a

Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"